As a business owner, I want in on this boycott action. Starbucks, LL Bean, Nordstrom, Budweiser—why should we save all the hate for the big players? I may be small, but I’m so incredibly hateable. You should boycott my brand!
Whether you’re conservative or liberal, I’ve got a long list of why boycotting my brand should be central to your social media feed and occupy a huge amount of space in both your day and your mind. There’s no time to waste like the present, and we’ll include reasons for everyone, no matter your political persuasion, realizing of course that one more reason to boycott this brand is its unfathomable hippie-dippy insistence on listening to multiple viewpoints.
I'll provide a list of incredibly relevant topics for use in this boycott, and you should feel free to add your own once you've exhausted my ideas.
For those wishing to cover medical topics with credibility:
For starters, I’m actually physically very small, with serious medical issues. Not only am I physically different in a way that’s incredibly easy and accessible to ridicule, for which a lifetime of unaffordable therapy will not be enough, I am the American garbage heap created by our insurance system, pre- and post-Affordable Care Act. Whether you’re looking to make fun of someone with physical disabilities or looking for evidence of why Obamacare was bad, or why Obamacare was fine because it only damaged a few million Americans’ bank accounts and life dreams, I’ve got you covered! Much unlike our past and current healthcare system, I deliver beyond all expectations and don’t require a seventeen-hour questionnaire written in what was apparently translated from ancient Sanskrit. And unlike our current gaggle of rabble on Capitol Hill, I cut right across party lines. Do you notice the “ands” in this sentence? All haters welcome!
For those big corporation skeptics and/or wealthy liberals:
I have small brand. So, that’s great fodder as well, because you could either blame Wall Street, or big banks, or our current taxation system for a business environment that is decidedly set against small business owners, or you could look down your nose at me for not attending an elite business school, with an accompanying lecture about networking. Or, like some of my design school professors and financial advisors, you could tell me to marry well because that’s the only smart way to have successful fashion line. If you really wanted to cut to the chase while being incredibly erudite, you could just hand me a Jane Austen book while giving me a very dirty look, and then go to Twitter with #notmarriedwhatswrongwithher. Again, all roads are acceptable to express your displeasure with a) the larger economic climate b) my total lack of business sense or c) making sure people think I’m a freak because I’m single. Extra credit is absolutely given for doing all of the above, and if you’re really going to go above and beyond you’ll ask, small brand, what else could be small? Nudge, nudge, wink wink!
For those who love America First:
I think you’ll find the previous suggestions not half as interesting or fun as publicly condemning the fact that I don’t manufacture my clothing line in the United States because I can’t afford to, therefore I am not creating American jobs and deserve to be threatened by the President. Even if you blame past international trade agreements for the loss of manufacturing jobs, that’s no excuse for not getting upset that I’m not making shirts right here at home that would cost $650 to deliver to your doorstep, so you’d never buy them anyway. You still have a duty to hate me here, people; may I remind you to behave like true patriots?
You’ll find it’s that much easier to spread the boycott because I manufacture fair trade, supporting living wages and medical plans for people in foreign countries, creating in their communities what used to be the American dream. According to current reckoning, not only are these fair trade people, spread around the world in so many different countries, clearly thieves and probably terrorists, but it’s clear I should be both mined for digital information by Silicon Valley and hauled in by the Department of Homeland Security for having email conversations about fabric. What kind of fabric?
Funny you should pick up on that top-secret code word, because it’s organic fabric. Believing chemicals found in rat poison probably don’t belong in or on our bodies, I use materials without pesticides. I then take it one more elitist step further and use nontoxic dyes that are responsibly disposed of, so I’d likely be one of those EPA-loving wackjobs who don’t want to drink Red #5. Keeping our soil and drinking water safe for generations to come, in an international context where much of our food travels a long way to get to us, is inexcusable when we could make a quick buck now and deal with the birth defects and unusual cancers later. None of this kind of thing ever affects us here in the United States, anyway, so there’s no reason to worry about it. Just ask the residents of Flint, Michigan; they’ll tell you that chemical concerns and safety regulations are totally bogus.
Further evidence of the subversive nature of this brand is demonstrated in its celebration of the longstanding art forms and exquisite craft of other cultures. That is clearly un-American, and therefore unacceptable. Boycott, boycott, boycott!!! That kind of multicultural respect and admiration can’t lead anywhere good.
For the birther movement:
Not only does this brand display a dangerous acceptance of positive cross-cultural interactions, its founder is descended from immigrants! Yes, that’s right, not only French Huguenot refugees fleeing religious-based slaughter, not just English small farmers who remained loyal to the British during the American Revolution, but the traitorous rash of recent Canadianism runs strong here, with a grandparent born in Montreal. There is actually a DeCewsville, Canada, indicating the brand designer should be immediately required to display her birth certificate, and/or just be deported. We don’t need any of Justin Trudeau’s touchy-feely welcome mat for such dangerous people here. Additional reasons for this deportation include the fact that the designer studied anthropology, which clearly makes her a Communist. The fact that said designer would basically love to be deported anywhere with universal health care just bolsters this reasoning. This one is so easy you don’t even need to use alternative facts!
For the fashionistas:
Let’s open up the opportunities for objection and rage up a little more, because a lot of you fashionistas are very liberal people who wouldn’t dare boycott us on the previous reasons provided. In fact, you might take the ill-advised route of actually empathizing with the situation, and you need to be reminded that we’re here to appall and offend you as well, because there is always something more you can object to, and that’s crucial to the slaughter we’re seeking on social media platforms. You’ve always hated our photos, objecting to them because they were done in a studio, objecting to them because they were not done in a studio, objecting to them because they basically existed at all, which is exactly the kind of thinking we want for the boycott. Keep it up! You also hate our models because they have all, to the last body type, failed to be eight feet tall and weigh three ounces, and we do not want you to lose the idea that women have no right to be anything other than genetic rarities brutalized into a life of existing as vacant and easily-replaceable display items. We are to be shamed on all fronts, endlessly, for our promotion of healthy, height-weight proportionate women of varying ethnicities who are all of legal age to make their own career decisions.
If that doesn’t scream boycott to you, then just let our products do the talking! The distinct lack of revealing, skin-tight clothing indicates we have a very bad attitude about women’s bodies, does it not? This brand’s attempt to clothe women in colorful, high-quality, upscale casual items that skim but don’t cling and pair with universally-despised items such as jeans mean we are 1) clearly ashamed of women’s bodies and 2) not taking enough risks with our aesthetic. This offers multiple points of artistic critique with which to lambast Lily of Valley Isle.
And what about that name? Who names anything like that? It’s too long, it’s too awkward, and it’s too much like a flower married an archipelago. Dumb, just dumb from a branding point of view. But it’s you who brand us, with the hot iron of your hashtags, in this fabulous boycott. We’re relying on you to hate our clothes, even if you can’t hate our values.
For the average person totally confused, outraged, and dismayed by what’s happening in our world today:
You can still boycott our brand. Do not give up! If we know anything about the world today, it’s that polarization and sheer idiocy are available for everyone to partake in! It may be a steep learning curve to generate this much hate out of seemingly thin air after a lifetime of trying to build better lives and communities, but we’ll give you a sampling of objections to choose from so that you don’t feel left out and you can get your feet wet with this reactionary, hatred-promoting non-conversation that is probably completely unfamiliar to you. We’d love to help you fit in and find your place in the mindless chaos.
For example, if you’re wondering why the brand’s clothes are expensive, you could condemn said brand (#LilyofValleyIsle) for charging high prices without understanding the context of organic, fair trade methods, exclusive prints from a textile studio that promotes opportunities for women, and handmade details. You must ignore the deeper context, or any concepts of quality, to truly be a part of the boycott. The idea is just to react to pricing alone. You could always say something like, “I only shop at Walmart”, and go into the financial problems you’re having because the economic non-recovery has left former middle class people wondering if Ramen noodles are going to be the eternal dinner option, and this is completely valid. The danger here is that you open up relevant, fact-based conversations about legitimate issues, and I’m not sure we’ll get far with the boycott that way. But it’s still a good try, and you’ll soon learn how much people will ignore thoughtful insights and well-considered information and get back on that screaming road to nowhere with additional material such as…
The fact that this brand does not offer plus sizes. Not only do we not cater to the runway crowd, we’re not catering to one of the most important customer segments in the industry today. Because nobody does, and following the crowd with gusto is fundamental not just to fashion, but to all brand boycotts. Can someone spell Budwiser? With this new topic, you have plenty of ammunition to call us stupid, to label us as body shamers, and to call us out as one more brand who is callous, non-inclusive, and hates women. You’ve got to ignore the part where we were planning to do this but needed to raise the money for it because we were hoping to get financially positioned to respond to customer requests by extending our sizing, and just jump to conclusions as quickly as possible without asking any questions or seeking any information. See? It was that easy to turn what could have been a real conversation into part of the stellar campaign for more noise! I’m hoping this example was illustrative of the type of non-thinking needed here.
I’m sure you can find many, many more reasons to boycott this brand. One might be the sheer volume of sarcasm in this blog post. You could come up with the old saw of “sarcasm is the tool of the weak”. Another objection might be “businesses shouldn’t do things like this, it’s highly unprofessional”. I think you know by now that conducting ourselves in a professional manner is no way to sell or market anything anymore, honestly! Since I don’t see a future for my career any more than you do, the word of the day is “Banzai”. Not the tree. Another objection, and really the most valid one based strictly on the level of talent is “you’re no Tina Fey”. But I know you can muster the strength, the skill, the tirade of insanity needed to boycott this brand. If all you want to do is boycott the boycotts, well, you’re not very much in the spirit of these fiery and inspiring times. Please rush to judgment without any further thought, and get those thumbs busy on your ironically-named smartphones.
Suggested Hashtags by category, and do come up with some of your own:
#boycottLilyofValleyIsle #IhateLilyofValleyIsle #boycottmybrand #thisb****iscrazy
For friends and family:
#Idontknowherallthatwellwerenotclose #shesadopted #weveaskedhertoseektreatmentbefore
For current customers:
#yourclothesarentbigenough #yourclothesarentsmallenough #youdontbelonginthisindustry #neveremploythispersonohwaitweneverdidanyway
#liberalscienceconspiracy#nastywoman #notmadeintheusa #jobthief #bleedingheartliberal #pullyourselfupbyyourownbootstraps
For the birthers:
#takeyourmapleleafand… #deportDeCew #showmeyourbirthcertificate
For the wealthy liberal elite:
#thisaddsnothingtotheconversation #nosheisnotanalumnus #thisistotallyunprofessional
For broke people:
#Walmartisomuchbetter #wishIhadajob #livingwagessoundnice
For sanity, truth, and all that we hope could still matter in the world:
#wellbehavedwomenseldommakehistory #sickofbeingpolite #longliveMargaretMead
Product liability and warranty disclaimer:
Proper use of this product may cause critical thinking and/or interest in compiling fact-based research. Not suitable for all users, and direct contact should be avoided with members of the human species. Handle with care, or don’t, it doesn’t really much matter anymore.